BEFORE YOU READ PLEASE NOTE IT MAY CAUSE YOU UPSET
From a 16 year old
Yesterday my school counselor told my mother I cut again. I trusted him not to tell her. Today I went to him and asked why. I was in tears. He said he was sorry, but he was obligated by law to tell her. And he said he was worried about me. I can understand that, I was very upset the day I told him, but I just don’t know who I can trust anymore. I cried myself to sleep last night because I felt so abandoned and betrayed by him. Who can I trust? It seems no one. So I have to learn to keep my mouth shut from now on. Just smile and say everything is fine, although I am burning up inside.
When my mother found out she started yelling and threatened to send me back to the hospital if I cut again. What if she really does it? I can’t go to a hospital. I will get too far behind in school and people will think I’m crazy if they found out. I feel like I’m in 12 years old again. When I was 12 they sent me to the hospital because they thought I was suicidal. I hated it there. It was like being in a prison. I never want to go back again. What am I doing to myself? Why am I ruining my life? Why can’t I STOP???
But what else am I going to do?? Cutting has been my only form of relief to all this pain for the past two years. What else am I doing to do if I don’t cut? How can I take this pain?
I know that I hurt my mother. I know I disappointed her. But that just brings me more pain and makes me want to reach for the razor again. She wants me to be happy and perfect. But I am not happy and I am not perfect! I am human with human feelings. Why can’t she understand that? Why can’t she hold me and tell me everything will be alright instead of yelling at me? Why can’t she understand that this is the only way I know of to cope with my pain? Why doesn’t she accept me? Why? Why am I such a horrible person that she has to yell at me all the time and find fault in everything I do? Why can’t I be happy and normal? I don’t understand any of it. I try so hard to be perfect but I always fail and always let someone down. I lay awake in my bed and wonder what is wrong with me. I can’t sleep. I am so confused. I feel so lost. And now I feel even more alone.
Not only did I hurt my mother but I disappointed my school counselor… and my therapist. I am just a big disappointment to everyone. I can’t do anything right.
I have no one to talk to now. Now I can’t even talk to my counselor at school. I knew I couldn’t trust my therapist… but him, him I thought I could trust. Now I have no one. No one at all. I feel totally isolated. And I feel so scared. So very scared. So very, very scared.
I don’t cut myself everyday you know. And i don’t do it to try and kill myself either. I don’t do it for the blood, and i don’t cut where people can easily see it so don’t even think of accusing me of doing it for attension.
I love my family. Don’t get me wrong there. I”m popular enough in school sure. I have a lot of friends i guess. I”m even editor of the school newspaper. Which is a big thing.
I”ve been addicted to drugs. So i know all about shooting up until you pass out. I’ve been a drunk so i know about puking your guts out until you can’t see or breathe. I’ve been annorexic so i know all about being so weak you can’t even open your eyes. And I’ve been raped so i know all about what it feels like to think your insides are going to fall out of you. I know all about all of those things. All coping methods. Cutting is just another method to add to the list.
I don’t know why i feel so empty inside. It’s like a part of me is missing. For as long as i can remember i’ve felt this way.
I know i have to get this under control. Or else the millitary won’t take me. And i was born to be in the air force. I’ll save myself. I”ve made this promise so many times to myself. and to others. But if i don’t get this under control. My dreams will get away from me.
|Yes, I guess speaking about it seems so easy now- because it is in retrospect- over 7 years now since the last episode. It happened because of the tiffs I had with either or both of my parents. I also used to burn my hand with the head of burnt matches. Except for once, I didn’t voluntarily show it to my parents. Also, I remember going through strong destructive urges, during these episodes. I thought I had the worst set of parents, definitely undesirable physical features and belonged to an unenviable social strata. And I NEVER shared these feelings with anybody while I went through them. The only reality I knew was what I believed in- Never confided in my friends- kept busily attempting to keep up a strong and confident sounding facade. I didn’t get the idea from anywhere/anybody- just felt like doing it. I can’t identify any particular source. I don’t & didn’t know of anybody else who does it. I was doing very well in my academics, co-curricular and extra curricular activities. I took these successes for granted…|
I want someone to understand
I feel so out of place here. It keeps getting worse.
I got a letter from Jack today though and it brightened the hellish morning I had.
We found one of Cindy’s dogs dead and later, Clint dropped a bag of chicken food on a chicken.
It was so gross how it died and so sad. It still makes me wanna cry when I think about it.
Life is so fragile, I only wish I could make mine break.
I’m cutting again …but what’s new?
I have 8 cuts on my left arm currently.
It sounds like I’m boasting but trust me, I’m not.
Clint says he doesn’t know how I can do it but I said it’s a sickness.
If anyone hurts themselves, they have some kind of problem.
A completely sane person wouldn’t cut themselves.
I found out the other day that Jonathan cuts, too, but now he’s moved on to burning.
He heats metal and pushes it onto his upper left arm. That’s gotta hurt.
I like cutting better, I like to watch the blood. It confuses me.
I feel really angry and then I relax some, but I feel on edge.
Then it starts stinging and I begin to feel again.
That’s why, yes, that’s why I cut.
I cut to feel.
I’m so confused.
So totally lost and confused.
I can’t even explain myself.
I don’t want to get caught for cutting because no one will believe me when I try to tell them why.
Everyone always think I’m an attention-seeker.
I don’t know what I want but I know that’s not it.
I know what I want. I want someone to understand.