LIFE-conveyor belt

life is a thing we just take as a right

sometimes it gives us all a little fright

yesterday for me was such a scare

a biopsy wondered if i would dare

but along i went a slight smile upon my face

just go in there put on the gown said with such an awesome pace

clothes off and gown put on all tied at the back

understanding how i felt seemed   such a lack

lay on the bed breath properly or u will b ill

much more pain and i may just kill

all done now results in 6 weeks time

if i was an animal this would be a crime

 

 

FEAR

FEAR ITSELF IS SUCH A HUGE KEY

WHATEVER HAPPENS IS MEANT TO BE

DOCTORS SAY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

THEY CANT HEAR MY INNER SELF SHOUT

WORRY IS A POWERFULL THING

NORMALLY CARRIES A PAINFULL STING

NEVER FEAR THE DOCTORS HERE

DOESNT REALLY EASE MY FEAR

TODAY,TOMORROW AND ?

TODAY IS JUST AN AVERAGE DAY

TOMORROW NO IDEA I HAVE TO SAY

THE TWENTY SEVENTH WHAT SUCH A KEY DATE

WHAT IS HAPPENING THEN I REALLY HATE

OFF TO HOSPITAL I HAVE TO GO

FOR A BIOPSY I ALREADY KNOW

I EXPECT SO VERY MUCH PAIN

WITH INJECTIOND IN MY VIEN

PART OF MY BODY SEEN BY A FEW

KNOWING THEY CAN NOT MAKE IT FEEL LIKE NEW

IF I DONT GET IT DONE I MAY REALLY DIE

BUT I KNOW I AM GOING TO CRY

I KNOW IM NOT A YELLOW SOUL

BUT INJECTIONS INTO MY WEE HOLE

DOUBT I WILL EVER BE THE SAME

BUT ILL STILL B PLAYING MY LIFE GAME

A MAD WORLD-CHAPTER TWO

LIFE MOVES ON THEY SAY AND I GUESS AS FAR AS DATES AND YEARS IT DOES,BUT FOR ME AND MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS LIFE SEEMED LIKE IT STOOD VERY STILL.

NIGHT AFTER NIGHT THE SAME SHOUTING SCREAMING SHOUTING.AFTER BEING PUNCHED BY MY DAD AND ACTUALLY KNOCKED OUT,I WAS A LITTLE MORE RESERVED WITH MY DETERMINATION TO STEP IN BETWEEN MY MAM AND DAD FIGHTING EVERY NIGHT HIM PISSED MU MAM SO FRUSTRATED WITH HIM AND POSSIBLY ON THE VERGE OF TOTALLY LOSING HER MIND WITH ANGER,DESPONDENCY AND ON THE VERGE I FELT OG GIVING UP ON LIFE.

AFTER LISTENING TO THIS NIGHT AFTER NIGHT,CRYING,WORRYING AND SCARED FOR MY MAMS SAFETY.

AT ABOUT 12 YEARS OF AGE I SNAPPED.THIS PARTICULAR NIGHT SOMETHING INSIDE ME DECIDED I COULD NOT JUST CARRY ON LISTEN AND ABOUT TWO YEARS AFTER MY FIRST TIME OF GETTING BETWEEN MY MAM AND DAD,RECIEVING A PUNCH TO THE FACE FROM MY DAD FOR MY EFFORTS.THIS TIME THERE WAS NO SNEAKING DOWN THE STAIRS QUIETLY IT WAS MORE LIKE A SCENE FROM BRAVEHEART AND I RAN DOWN THE STAIRS MAKING ON REFLECTION A LOUD SORT OF BATTLE SCREAM SUCH AS FREEDOM IN MY HEAD BUT I WAS FULL OF HATE,ANGER,HURT AND HE WAS NOY GOING TO PUNCH ME THIS TIME.I WAS ADAMENT,DETERMINED AND SO FOCUSSED.THIS TIME IT WAS GOING TO BE A DIFFERENT RESULT,THIS TIME I WAS GOING TO LAY HIM OUT,I WAS GOING TO SHOW MY MAM I COULD AND WILL PROTECT HER FROM THIS DRUNKEN AGGRESSIVE VIOLANT MONSTER WHO DARED TO CALL HIMSELF A DAD AND HUSBAND.

I RUSHED THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM DOOR HE WAS IN THE PROCESS OF SLAPPING MAM AGAIN,THIS WAS IT I GAVE OUT A LOUD SORT OF SHOUT SORT OF SCREAM.I RUSHED TOWARDS HIM KICKING OUT AND ARMS FLAYING THROWING PUNCHES AT HIM,I KNOW I LANDED A COUPLE ON HIS FACE,IN MY MIND I HAD WOBBLED IN BUT IN REALITY HE PROBABLY HARDLY FELT A THING LOTS OF SHOUTING MY MAM SCREAMING ME KICKING AND LASHING OUT IN HIS DIRECTION-THIS SEEMED TO GO ON FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE AN ETERNINITY BUT WAS ONLY MOMENTS.

HE GRABBED MY ARMS VERY TIGHT TO STOP MY PUNCHES LASHING OUT HE GRABBED MY ARMS WITH SUCH FORCE HE LIFTED ME OFF MY FEET BUT I REMEMBER THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.IT WAS A MIX OF HORROR,SHOCK,AND A LITTLE FEAR THAT THIS TWELVE YEAR OLD CHILD IN HIS EYES BUT IN MY EYES A TWELVE YEAR OLD MAN WAS ACTUALLY ATTACKING HIM WITH SUCH FORCE,AGGRESSION AND YES FILLED WITH HATE.

THE GRABBING AND HOLDING WENT ON FOR A WHILE AND ONLY STOPPED WHEN ONE OF MY SISTERS CALLED C AGED TEN AND A HALF WAS STOOD SCREAMING AT THE LIVING ROOM DOOR,IN HINDSIGHT THAT IS SOMETHING I FELT REALLY GUILTY ABOUT,WAKING MY SISTER UP.

AFTER A WHILE IT SETTLED DOWN AND WE WENT BACK TO BED.THE NEXT MORNING MY SISTER C WAS SINGING MY PRAISES TO MY OTHER SISTER AND TWO BROTHERS MAKING OUT I WAS SOME SORT OF SUPER HERO-I WASNT I WAS JUST A SCARED BOY WHO SNAPPED.
IN MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS EYES I WAS NOT JUST THIER BIG BROTHER ANY MORE I WAS THIER BIG BROTHER WHO WAS GOING TO CHANGE THIER LIFE FOREVER,SOMEONE WHO WOULD STAND UP TO OURS DADS DRUNKEN BULLYING,IT WAS A HELL OF A RESPONSABILITY ON MY SHOULDERS.

SO SCHOOL AS NORMAL THE NEXT MORNING WITH MY SISTER C STILL TALKING TO ME ABOUT THE PREVIOUS NIGHTS HEROICS IN HER EYES,FOR ME I WANTED TO FORGET ALL ABOUT IT,IT WAS A TAG I COULD NEVER EVER LIVE UP TOO.

IN ASSEMBLY AT SCHOOL MR G THE DEPUTY HEAD DECIDED WE ALL NEEDED WAKING UP AND TOLS THE FULL ASSEMBLY TO WAVE THIER ARMS IN A WINDMILL MOVEMENT,MY RIGHT ARM DIDNT WANT TO AND THE PAIN AND DISCOMFORT PREVENTED ME DOING IT.ASSEMBLY FINISHED AND MR G TOLD ME TO STAY BEHIND ALONG WITH MY BEST FRIEND RUSSELL.HE ASKED ONE OF THE OTHER TEACHERS TO GO AND GET THE SCHOLL NURSE,YES THERE WAS SCHOOL NURSES IN THOSE DAYS.ON THE NURSES ARRIVAL MR G SAID WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR ARM GARGETT OR WHERE YOU JUST BEEN LAZY IN ASSEMBLY I ANSWERED I WAS BEING LAZY SIR,TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF PLEASE GARGETT AND THE TURNED TO RUSSELL AND TOLD HIM TO HELP ME REMOVE MY SHIRT.THE LOOK ON THIER FACES ON MY SHIRT BEING OFF WAS ONE OF SHOCK AND HORROR I GUESS,WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM MICHAEL,NOT JUST MY NAME HAD CHANGED FROM GARGETT TO MICHAEL BUT SO HAD THE TONE OF THE CONVERSATION.PART OF ME WAS FILLED WITH FEAR PART WITH RELIEF WHAT EVER I SAID NOW SURELY WOULDNT MATTER,THE BRUISES ON MY ARMS WHERE OBVIOUSLY MADE BY HANDS THE BRUISES CLEARLY SHOWING SIGNS OF BEING GRABBED HARD AND VIOLANTLY SO WHAT DO I SAY,I DIDNT WANT MY MAM TO GET ANY BLAME SO I REPLIED I SLIPPED DOWN THE STAIRS SIR-SEVERAL TIMES ASKED SEVERAL TIMES THE SAME ANSWER,I KNEW THEY DID NOT BELIEVE ME AND FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I THOUGHT FANTASTIC NOT TO BE BELIEVED.IN MY MIND I WAS CONVINCED SOMETHING AT HOME WOULD NOW BE DONE AND I COULD HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH KNOWING I HAD NOT GRASSED UP OR REPORTED MY DAD BUT I KNEW HELP WOULD HAPPEN NOW.

MR G AND THE NURSE WHISPERED TO EACH OTHER,LOTS OF HEAD SHAKING BUT THEN TO MY SHOCK MR G SAID OK MICHAEL PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON AND GO TO YOUR CLASS.DISSAPOINTMENT YES BUT I WAS CONVINCED MR G WOULD NOT LEAVE IT THERE IT WAS OBVIOUS ID BEEN ASSAULTED BUT I WAS SO WRONG-NOTHING WAS DONE AT ALL-HURT AND BLAME THAT MR G ALLOWED THIS TO GO ON,I EXPECTED THE POLICE TO TURN UP AND FRIGHTEN THE LIFE OUT OF MY DAD-BUT NO,SO LIFE CARRIED ON.

FEELING DEJECTED AND SO LET DOWN IN MY MIND MR G HAD FAILED ME .SCHOOL I THOUGHT I WAS A PLACE OF SAFETY,A PLACE WHERE STRANGELY ENOUGH I COULD HIDE FROM MY DAD,A PLACE WHERE I WAS CONVINCED MY FAMILY AND MY OWN NIGHTMARES WOULD BE ENDED.

HOW THINGS HAVE CHANGED IN THE MODERN DAY WITH THE ADVENT OF SOCIAL SERVICES BEING INFORMED ABOUT THE SLIGHTEST THING.BACK THEN IT JUST WAS NOT THE DONE THING FOR SOCIAL SERVICES TO INTERFERE,IN FACT BACK THEN EVEN THE POLICE TRIED NOT TO GET INVOLVED IN DOMESTIC VIOLANCE,WOULD MY MAM HAVE PROCEEDED THROUGH THE COURTS AGAINST MY DAD-A DEFINATE NO WOULD BE THE ANSWER.

 

 

 

 

TIME

time will never ever wait for you

it does not matter what you do

always 24 hours in every day

enjoy each one i always say

you can not go back and ever change time

living with regrets is such a crime

just be yourself and and live your life

time can be harsh cutting like a knife

dont regret the things you do

its things you didnt that will hurt ou

TIME-MG

A MAD WORLD-CHAPTER 1- A VERY TRUE STORY

lifeA  MAD WORLD-IT IS A STRANGE STATEMEN IT IS NOT THE WORLD THAT IS MAD BUT MAYBE THE PEOPLE IN IT.I WAS NEVER ANYTHING SPECIAL IN LIFE,NO GREAT CLAIMS TO FAME. I WAS BORN AT THE END OF THE 50,S ALMOST INTO THE SWINGING SIXTIES.MY MAM TELLS ME A GYPSY LADY TOLD HER  I WAS TO BEAUTIFUL A BABY TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD,OBVIOUSLY IF I WAS EVER THAT BEAUTIFUL I GROW OUT OF IT LOL. MY CLAIM TO FAME WAS THAT THE LATE GREAT BRIAN CLOUGH  NURSED ME AS A BABY-NOW THAT FOR ME IS SOMETHING I WILL CHERISH FOREVER. NOW BACK TO THE GYPSY LADY AFTER MY MAM TOLD ME THAT STORY FOR THE THOUSENTH TIME OR SO AND AS I GROW,I OFTEN WONDERED IF SHE WAS RIGHT AND ACTUALLY I HAD DIED AS A BABY AND GOT LOST ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN AND ENDED UP IN A VERY HOT AND VOLOTILE PLACE. I WAS THE OLDEST OF FIVE CHILDREN,NOTHING SPECIAL THERE BUT AGAIN AS I GROW OLDER BEING THE ELDEST ALSO BROUGHT ITS OWN PRESSURES.MY MAM A LOVING CARING PARENT  BUT HO  SUCH A TEMPER,CROSSED HER AT YOUR PERIL IN THOSE DAYS. MY DAD WHAT A BLOKE  LOVING YES CONSISTENT WITH HIS LOVE -NOT A CHANCE.HE WORKED AT BRITISH STEEL IN THE DAYS YOU COULD PACK YOUR JOB IN ON THE FRIDAY GET YOUR HOLIDAY PAY ETC AND START ON ANOTHER PLANT AT BRITISH STEEL ON THE MONDAY. FANTASTIC THE EXTRA MONEY EXTRA HOLIDAYS-WELL NOT FOR  HIS FAMILY BUT GREAT FOR MR  BETTING SHOP AND MR PUB.THE NUMBER  OF TIMES MY MAM WENT TO MEET HIM FROM WORK TO TRY AND GET HIS WAGES OFF HIM BUT HE GOT SMART AND SNEAKED OUT OF ANOTHER EXIT TO PLEASE HIS REAL  FAMILY MR BOOKMAKER AND MR BREWERY,MY MAM LOVED HIM BUT NEVER WAS HE GOING TO BE FAITHFUL NOT WITH THE BOOKIES AND PUBS FAMILY ABOUT. MY CHILDHOOD I AM THINKING WAS LIKE MANY OTHER CHILDREN CHILDREN IN THAT ERA SO I NEVER THOUGHT I HAD A TOUGH LIFE,WE HAD A ROOF OVER OUR HEADS WELL MOSTLY ANY WAY,A MAM WHO LOVED  US SO VERY MUCH AND A DAD WHO WAS A PARENT IN  NAME ONLY. AT ABOUT 7 YEARS OF AGE I STARTEDTO LAY   UPSTAIRS  ON THE LANDING LISTENING,WAITING,HOPING,PRAYING BUT  THE VAST MAJORITY OF THE TIME IN FACT PROBABLY 6 OR 7 NIGHTS A WEEK MY PRAYRES  OBVIOUSLY WHERE LOST SOMEWHERE.I WAS NOT BITTER BY THAT BUT JUST LISTENED,BANG THATS THE FRONT DOOR GETTING SLAMMED THEN VOICES STARTING TO GET LOUDER AND FAR MORE AGGRESSIVE THEN SLAP A SCREAM THINGS GETTING KNOCKED OVER CRASH A PLATE HITS THE WALL-MORE SCREAMING THEN SILENCE,THAT WAS THE WORSE PART THOSE  LONG  LOUD SO VERY LOUD SILENCES.I WANTED TO GO DOWN STAIRS TO SEE IF THEY WHERE BOTH STILL ALIVE BUT I NEVER HAD THE COURAGE  AT THE TIME BUT THAT WAS GOING TO COME. THEN SCREAMS AND SHOUTS START AGAIN -WHAT A BEAUTIFUL NOISE TO HEAR I COULD BREATH AGAIN BUT THE THE TEARS JUST CARRIED ON STREAMING DOWN MY SMALL BUT VERY GAUNT FACE.THIS WOULD GO ON FOR HOURS ,THEN ONE OR BOTH WOULD START TO WALK UP THE STAIRS,SO QUICK BACK INTO BED FOR ME PRETENDING TO BE FAST ASLEEP AS MY MAM CAME IN THE BEDROOM AND GAVE ME A KISS ON THE CHEEKS GOODNIGHT SON THANK THE LORD YOU NEVER HEARD ANY OF THIS SHE WOULD SAY AND REPEAT THE SAME TO MY BOTHERS AND SISTERS. ITS  A STRANGE IF NOT MAD WORLD MANY A TIME WE WHERE ALMOST STARVING,JAM AND BREAD FOR TEA AND THE JAM WAS A TREAT.TWO BAGS OF CHIPS FROM THE FISH SHOP OWNED BY GREEKS BETWEEN MY MAM AND THE FIVE OF US WHILE DAD WAS OUT GETTING HIS FILL OF GOOD OLD BEER.THE REASON I MENTIONED THE FISH SHOP WAS OWNED BY GREEKS WAS FOR THIER GREAT  KINDNESS AND UNDERSTANDING,ALWAYS EXTRA CHIPS FOR US AND  THAT MEANT SO MUCH TO ME,IT MEANT MAYBE WE WOULD BE A LITTLE LESS  HUNGRY FOR A LONGER TIME. THE  WORSE  THING FOR ME AS A CHILD  IS NOT WHAT I HAVE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT IT WAS BEING SENT TO MY NANAS AND GRANDADS TO BORROW MONEY SO MY MAM COULD JUST ABOUT KEEP US LIVING WITH A ROOF OVER OUR HEAD AND SOME FOOD WHEN POSSIBLE.I FELT GUILTY I WAS NINE,NEARLY TEN AND I FELT LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING MORE AND I KNEW THE MONEY WOULD NEVER GET PAID BACK .ONE  NIGHT THE SCREAMING AND SHOUTING STOPPED NOT LIKE USUAL BUT JUST SILENCE  THAT WAS SO LOUD I KNEW THIS WAS MY TIME TO ACT.I CREPT DOWN THE STAIRS LISTENING FOR ANY SOUND AT ALL BUT NONE CAME JUST THAT DEAFENING SILENCE.I PAUSED AT THE LIVING ROOM DOOR PUTTING MY EAR TO IT AND HOPING AND PRAYING FOR EVEN THE NOISE OF THEM FIGHTING AGAIN BUT THERE WAS NONE.I PLUCKED UP THE COURAGE TO STEP INTO THE LIVING ROOM,I DID NOT WANT TO GO IN BUT I DID,I SAW MY MAM SITTING ON THE SETTEE HOLDING HER HAND OVER ONE EYE BLOOD STREAMING FROM HER MOUTH AND THEN I SAW HIM(DAD)SMIRKING AT ME AND SNARLING WHAT THE F–K DO YOU WANT,I SNAPPED AND RAN TOWARDS HIM I WAS A TEN YEAR OLD MAN .HE SNIGGERED AND I FELT HIS FIST IN MY FACE,I FELL TO THE GROUND AND I DID SEE STARS FOLLOWED BY DARKNESS,I KNOW I HEARD MY MAM SCREAM AND THEN DARKNESS,PEACE,QUIET NO SCREAMS JUST A BLISSFUL SILENCE. I REMEMBER COMING TO WITH MY MAM CRADLING MY HEAD IN HER ARMS AND HER TEARS STREAMING ONTO MY FACE,I SAW HIM HOLDING MY HAND AND I FELT SICK .I WAS A MAN AND ONE DAY-HO YES ONE DAY HE WOULD KNOW JUST HOW  MUCH OF A MAN THIS TEN YEAR OLD BOY WAS.I WAS KEPT OFF SCHOOL FOR WEEKS,IT WOULD NEVER DO FOR A TEACHER TO ASK WHY MY FACE WAS SO BRUISED  AND SWOOLEN BUT MY DAY WILL COME.